http://silentbobspeaks.com/?p=413I'm sure Kevin won't mind me posting this scene in entirety here. (Let me know if you know otherwise.)
I want to highlight something that Kevin and most successful screenwriters do.
Writing requires an author to slide up and down a scale. Capping each end of that scale is Denotation and Connotation, Objective and Subjective, Fact and Feeling.
Linger at the 'fact' end too long and your writing will sit there cold and emotionless. No color. Just efficient, detached, accurate, clinical words on the page. Remain at the 'feeling' end too long and your text will grow overblown, melodramatic, unreal and noisy.
So you don't overdo it. You wander up and down the scale. Usually you serve the meat and potatoes first. But once that stuff's on the plate you're free to add a little garnish here and there. I've highlighted in red the delicious flourishes of 'feeling' Kevin writes into his scene. We can name those flourishes accordingly -- metaphor, interior monologue, etc. -- but what it comes down to is how those sentences carry subtext. They're ripe with meaning beyond the literal. They help the reader understand what's really going on in a scene.
Some might shout: "Unfilmables! Only write what you can see on screen." That old chestnut. We should rip that page from every screenwriting textbook.
"Fisherman Blue Jay feels a tug at his line." Any proficient actor will deliver that moment on screen, and in a dozen subtly different ways. A glance, a gesture, a shift in posture... some physical change. That moment
is filmable. The audience will pick up the actor's physical cue and they'll get it: Jay reached out to the boy and the boy just reached back.
Screenwriters shouldn't ignore the basic behavioral programming we all understand instinctively at the deepest human level. Leverage it, like Kevin Smith does in this draft scene. As I love to repeat: do it the Pixar way. Give 'em 2 + 2 instead of 4. That's what makes an engaging script read or an engaging cinema experience. Let your audience work a little to connect the dots within the context you've provided. They'll thank you for involving them.
"Suddenly: a small hint of interest from Buddy. Fisherman Blue Jay feels a tug at his line."
Fact. Feeling.
A powerful combo. Used sparingly, it uplifts your screenwriting from functional to delightful.
Kevin's a guy who loves words on the page. Forget the hubbub about his retirement. I predict he won't quit scriptwriting any time soon.
———————————
EXT McCRACKEN BACKYARD RINK - DUSK
Blue Jay Jennings climbs out of his truck, carrying a bag.
Close on the side of the barn, as a puck rockets through it. Then another. There are LOTS of holes, dents, or embedded pucks in the side of the barn today. BLAM! Another puck just misses Blue Jay as he steps near the barn, arms raised.
BLUE JAY
Don’t shoot.
Buddy mean-mugs Jay as he studies the barn damage.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
Well… we know you can hit the broad side of a barn.
BUDDY
I was aiming at your car.
Jay looks to where his car is - far, far from the barn.
Can the master spin this one?BLUE JAY
Y’know, it’s pretty windy out today…
BUDDY
What do you want?
BLUE JAY
A less lippy tone’d be nice, for starters. I never met a hockey
player who wasn’t polite and respectful out of a sweater.
Speaking of which…
Jay pulls a hockey sweater from the bag he’s carrying, holding it up for Buddy to see. The BUCKOS is the team name.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
This is yours.
Buddy eyes the jersey, now sullied. He heads over to the barn and pulls a few pucks out of the wall, ignoring Jay. Jay sighs, reaching into his coat. He cracks open a beer.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
I’ll tell you one thing: you can’t be a hockey player with a temper
like that. Every hockey player I know that didn’t die in
a car wreck lived to be eighty years and died peacefully in their sleep.
That might mean nothing to a kid like you, but the older you get, the
more a peaceful death starts sounding pretty sweet.
Suddenly: a small hint of interest from Buddy.
Fisherman Blue Jay feels a tug at his line.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
You know what a heart attack is?
Buddy shrugs “kinda”.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
When you’re an adult, life’s not very fun anymore, kid. They expect
productivity. And the pressure that comes with expectation
of any kind - the stress and the anger and the jealousy…
Over a lifetime?
(mimes a heart attack; then)
But that doesn’t happen to hockey players. Know why?
Buddy shakes his head. Blue Jay points to the barn.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
Hockey players are allowed to beat people up.
Buddy’s taken back by this. Blue Jay nods.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
They take out their troubles on the ice. They take it out on the
puck, or some sumbitch ain’t got his head up. For two minutes,
all that stuff us mere mortals gotta deal with as thinking
organisms on a cold rock in space that doesn’t care whether we
hang on or spin off into the Milky Way? The stuff most people call
“real life”? For two minutes , a hockey player gets to skate
it all away. You can’t drop gloves on life, kid - but in The Game? They’ll
cheer you if you do. Because they all know what a struggle…
what a fight life can be. And when they see you take a swing -
with your stick or a good right hook - they feel like you’re taking a swing for
them. And lots of people will tell you that ain’t right. But brother?
(whispers)
There ain’t nothin’ righter.
Blue Jay winks and smiles widely at Buddy.
Buddy melts further, smiling back. Blue Jay sees the opening.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
I’m not out here because of what happened with _________ ,
and I’m not out here because I’m short any players. I’m out here
because you’re a pip of a fighter. And everyone’ll tell you fighting’s
not part of The Game, but it is - second only to scoring
goals. The team I’m putting together’s gonna need fighters, so
whadya say, sport?
Buddy won’t answer. Blue Jay eyes the boy.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
My Dad died when I was nine.
Buddy looks to Blue Jay, sympathetic.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
Heart attack. While he was on our roof.
EXT ROOFTOP - DAY - FLASHBACK
Jay’s Father suffers a heart attack while hanging a BLACKHAWKS flag near the chimney. He grabs his chest, losing his balance. But rather than fall forward off the roof, he’s caught on the flag pole. After a moment, he dies, sorta standing, arm up.
OC BLUE JAY
Worst part was nobody knew it right away. So my Dad hung up
on that roof ‘til dark. The whole neighborhood just waved at him.
People are passing by on the neighborhood street: Post Man, Woman with Stroller, even the Milk Man. Each wave at Blue Jay’s dead father on the roof.
EXT McCRACKEN BACKYARD RINK - DUSK
Back to Jay and Buddy on the backyard rink.
BLUE JAY
(ruefully, sotto)
Goddamn the overly-polite Illinois suburbs…
(shakes it off)
When he died, it left a hole in me I wanted to climb inside and never
come out of. I’d cry myself to sleep every night.
BUDDY
(cautiously engaged)
You’d cry?
BLUE JAY
Sure. He was my Dad.
(beat)
But then I remembered why my Dad was on that roof: he loved his
Hawks. My ol’ man never picked up a stick in his life, but he loved
The Game. Drove us to see the Junior B out in the Soo every season.
One time, we even went to Maple Leaf Gardens. Leafs and Hawks.
Not a great night for the Hawks, lemme tell ya’. I’ll betcha nobody who
played in the Gardens that night probably even remembers that game…
(wistfully)
But I know I’ll never forget it.
Buddy smiles warmly.
Jay’s got him on the ropes.BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
And I started thinking that, by playing hockey, I’d have my Dad back
in some little way. Not back, y’know - just… around.
Kinda. So I threw myself into The Game. And whenever I’d play, I’d
feel closer to my Dad. And even better? The crying stopped. Know why?
Buddy wants to know.
Blue Jay closes.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
Once I got on that ice? I let it all go. All that anger, all
that sadness? I skated it out. I scrummed it away. I became a scrapper!
Blue Jay puts the sweater in Buddy’s hands.
BLUE JAY (CONT’D)
I’d like to give you the chance to do the same. On my team.
- Copyright Kevin Smith