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Author Topic: Adult Swim's BLACK LOTUS  (Read 1432 times)
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Pitchpatch
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« on: August 07, 2021, 08:06 AM »

Super excited for this one, arriving in a couple months.  And that logline!  Really hits the high notes: place, time, protag and their problem, and what to expect:

Quote
"Los Angeles 2032. A young woman wakes up with no memories, and possessing deadly skills. The only clues to her mystery are a locked data device and a tattoo of a black lotus. Putting together the pieces, she must hunt down the people responsible for her brutal and bloody past to find the truth of her lost identity."

The only thing it's short of is brevity.  Let's make it hit harder, faster.  How about:

Quote
"Los Angeles 2032. A young woman wakes up with no memories, a black lotus tattoo, a locked data device -- and deadly skills. To find her lost identity she will hunt down those responsible for her bloody past."

58 words to 37 words -- more than a third reduction.

Or maybe:

Quote
Los Angeles 2032. A young woman wakes up with no memories. What she does have is a black lotus tattoo, a locked data device, and deadly skills. To find herself she will hunt down those responsible for her bloody past.



« Last Edit: October 04, 2021, 05:24 PM by Pitchpatch » Logged

NTSF:SD:SUV::
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