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Author Topic: Spec Logline Workshop, GITS Jan-Jun 2017  (Read 477 times)
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Pitchpatch
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« Reply #15 on: July 25, 2017, 04:25 PM »



Title: World Breaker

Writer: Joshua Rollins

Logline: In a not-too-distant future, Earth is under attack from creatures from an alternate world, bent on humanity’s destruction. A father hides his 14-year-old daughter on an island to avoid her conscription in the all-female army and escape the war, but nowhere is truly safe.

There's a very cool idea half buried in this LL: an interdimensional war fought by women only -- perhaps even girls only.  That's the second pillar supporting this premise; the first is the alternate-world invaders.  Those two big ideas leave scant room for our LL usual suspects.  What's the real story here?  What takes up most of the screen time?  One of two things: either she's found and drummed into the army by the end of the first act, or at that same turning point the war comes to her on the island.  Joshua's LL leans toward the second, I think, courtesy of "but nowhere is truly safe."

Anyway, I won't disturb the LL's content -- those two pillars.  But I will cut a fresh path between then, and trim the weeds as I go...

Logline: In the near future, after creatures from an alternate world attack Earth, a father hides his daughter so she won't be conscripted into humanity's only defense: an all-female army.

That really zings, because it begs the question: How come only women can fight these invaders?  Do the invaders have a way to render human males powerless?  Or do the invaders share a fatal weakness that can be exploited by one gender alone?

If the story is indeed premised on an exclusive army of teen girls then I would return the significant "14-year-old daughter" bit.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2017, 04:29 PM by Pitchpatch » Logged

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Pitchpatch
Rollercoaster on fire
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Mugwump
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Posts: 748



« Reply #16 on: July 26, 2017, 03:03 PM »



Title: The Best of Adam Sharp

Writer: Graeme Simsion, @GraemeSimsion

Logline: A man (Adam) on the cusp of fifty is restless as his marriage has gone stale. He can’t quite forget a romance he had twenty years ago with an intelligent and strong-willed woman named Angelina Brown who taught him what it meant to find — and then lose — love. Out of the blue, he gets a one word email from Angelina. He responds and his life takes a significant turn.

-----

Without further ado...

Logline: A man in a stale marriage turns fifty and still can't forget the woman from his past who taught him how to love.  When out of the blue she sends him a one-word email, he…

He "responds."  Are you super-excited for this LL now?  Jumping out of your seat, brain frothing with story possibilities?  He "responds."  That's the promise of the premise.  That's the key action filling this logline's tank.  He "responds."

No. HELL NO!

Logline: A man in a stale marriage turns fifty and still can't forget the woman from his past who taught him how to love.  When out of the blue she sends him a one-word email, he takes a thousand-mile road trip through hell to deliver his one-word response.

Except...

Genre: Romantic Drama

Fine.  Fine.  No road trip.  No "Give 'em hell, son."

He responds and his life takes a significant turn.

But I'm not taking down the McAfee.

« Last Edit: July 26, 2017, 05:00 PM by Pitchpatch » Logged

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